2009 Blogs

Monday 21/12/09 Virgin's can't give birth people!

Imagine a heavily pregnant young woman going into a social welfare office, plopping herself down and beginning to fill out forms for the express reason to get some money to get over this time of the year.Having returned the completed forms, the middle aged obese woman, peers at her over her glasses, and her reddish jowels wobble, as she barks that the father' contact details on the form have'nt been completed.

" the government can't be expected to shoulder all the father of your child's financial responcibility madam, in a tone which pulsates through the room

"Oh, it was an immaculate conception", the young woman breezily responds

"SECURITY!"

That poor woman would be sent to the nearest psychiatric ward so fast!

Sunday 29/11/09 : Joe's second anniversary

Even though the weather today was so appaling we went up to our local church for Joe' anniversary mass. In some ways it feels like a life time ago, but in other ways it only feels like yesterday, as I suppose the film is constantly being replayed. The heating in the church wasn't working, and I was absolutely stiff as a board. Combine this with the fact that the mass itself is completely devoid of meaning for me now, and the end result is that I'm sure I won't be back for another long time. I only went anyway for mothers sake anyway, but I couldn't get home soon enough, and was not tha stupid to venture outside again.

Someone said to me today "you must feel so sad about Joe", probably expecting a gushing responce.. My immediate response was no, they could have kept him alive, but only if they gave him a tracheaotomy, and the thought of him still in his room , without even the ability to verbalise is absolutely appaling and barbaric. Unfortuntately I know there are plenty of cases like that in Ireland today. The first thing I would say to those who proudly proclaim themselves to be "pro-life", is just exactly what kind of life do you believe in? Even though we have his grave very nicely done up at the moment with lots of little statues and flowers, I feel fairly certain that he sure aint there underneath that wet and sodden ground.

Today was more or less the first day that I have stayed indoors. It would have been pointless to go somewhere anway, because a lot of the roads were completely flooded. Thankfully we live on a hill so are relatively unaffected, but I do wonder sometimes how this country does not sink. To think that large parts of the world are crying out for rain and the earth is parched and barren, I wonder does this have to be the way it is or can we not give them even a fraction of our excess, which would no doubt go a long way to solving their problems.

I'm sure I'm one of the last people in the world to avail of it, but I am now enjoying the benefits of Skype. To be able to contact someone anywhere in the world, even if they do not have Skype, is fantastic. It makes the world so small, and it beggars belief how these big communication companies can get away with charging so much. My mother was totally amazed at the technology that allows her to speak to her nephews in California.

02 is continuing to save my life with their reliable broadband service. Thankfully they have now increased their allowance from 10 to 15 GB which is really more than enough. If you are downloading movies or video clips though, they takes up a lot of memory, and it is not worthwhile to go over the designated allowance, as apparently then they charge 5 cent a megabite.

13/11/2009

Friday 13th: If we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck

Assisted shower, dignity long gone,

whatever that ever changing word means anyway,

Few alternatives, better here than bed bound, but only just, and only temporarily,

Twisted hands, unruly hair, disobeying footrest hating legs,

A pulsating prison of flesh, "Could be worse though", he said with empty thoughtless conviction,

"At least there’s always tomorrow",

Cigarette smoke, soaps and inane chatter,

Hate the word and all it entails, but there are a lot of vegetables here,

And I’m not discussing the contents of the fridge or press,

So this is life?

Over a month as an unemployable bum, but have to admit that there are some mornings, that you do not feel in the least bit guilty about not having to get up early. Am determined to maintain some kind of discipline, and not allow myself to fall into a lazy routine of going to bed very late and getting after nine am (which is late for me).

Thankfully the ear infection is more or less gone. I'm not sure if I am going to get the swine flu. I still think there is a lot of rabble rousing connected with it. I will go to see my friend tomorrow in Collins Barracks, and the film 2012. Its amazing this country does not sink with all this rain, and tomorrow is meant to be no exception, so it should be a perfect day for a long film.

Friday 30/10/09: This is it!

I have a ear infection that is causing me a lot of anguish. I have deep sympathy for anyone that is in physical pain. I cannot imagine what it is like, only to say it is the pits. I spent a few hours going around Newbridge today half deaf, with people thinking that I am intellectually challenged, as I just can't follow their moving lips, and having to constantly ask them to repeat themselves. I am not a big believer in pain killers, pain is your bodies way of trying to tell your body something important, but after the last couple of sleepless nights I am just about prepared to renege on this particular belief.Thankfully I am a man of leisure at the moment , and have all the time in the world to recuperate.

I went up to the square on Thursday to see "This is it", which was an eye opener. I would have had to describe myself as an ex Michael Jackson fan. Over the last ten to fifteen years, I thought he was increasingly obnoxious, spending the last decade collecting awards for work he did decades ago. The annoying thing was he had so much more to offer. I remember seeing his concert in Landsdowne Road years ago, and it was a huge disappointment. It was all way too lip synched and choreographed within an inch of its life. There were a few sporadic "I love you" to the crowd but that was the extent of his audience interaction. Apparently he was in Paris, before ourselves even got home. It was wonderful to see him singing live, and he was not the feeble druggie that everyone thought he was the last few years. He had a lot to offer and his concert would have been spectacular without a shadow of a doubt.

On a completely different topic, I was watching ewtn yesterday , and wondered to myself why Jesus is always portrayed in the west as a white man, surely he would have looked more like Osama Bin Laden. Read a book last week that I thought would be very interesting called the Burn Journals about a 14 year old American very unlikeable boy who set fire to himself. Unfortunately he didn’t succeed, but I am sure he is milking this old story for all its worth.

Saturday 24/10/09

Got through my first week of unemployment suprisingly well. There is never an excuse to be bored, and I must discipline myself to do all the things I wanted to do for a long time, like writing, now that I have tonnes of time on my hands. On my agenda today was a trip to Dublin Castle. I have long wanted to go in, but the weather was the main reason why this trip was aborted. Instead we just went to Newbridge and Athy. The clock goes back tonight, and we will soon all be plunged into winter meloncholy, but at least I have the van now so I can still get out and about. You can just imagine what it was like to be stuck in the countryside, at this often bleak time of year with no possibility of getting out.

Met a very interesting woman in Athy today, who I had originally met in Newbridge a few months ago . She told me she has had "Do Not Resussitate, tatooed on her chest, and was telling me about her living will. We are very much kindred spirits, but unfortunately I told her, her living will is going to be completely disregarded here, as it has no legal validity. She was telling me about another friend of her's with FA, who has had no choice but to move into a nursing home, as living on his own was no longer possible. So he has no choice but to sell his house and spend all his life savings on existing for a while longer. I don't want to go into the horribly embarassing,soul destroying minutiae of living in a home, but suffice it to say it is not pretty, and his future is not to be envied. These people, like so many countless others, are true heroes in my estimation. I hope that there will be continued support for a change in the la,w to allow people to have some choice over their own destinys. Not everyone would be content to live like a dog, but the fact remains that the law as it stands compels a lot of people to do so by taking away their choice.

I was watching the Late Late Show last night, well in all truth I only watched the first segment with the interview with the gay hurler Donal O'Cusack. I love the way he spoke up for himself, and was unapologetic about being gay in a very masculine world. Very often in these interviews the gay person, whether by his own freewill, or in answering pointed leading questions, is almost on the verge of tears or quite ashamed about his own orientation. I loved it when Donal said he was doing the exact same, (if not much less than) that other guys his age were doing, but only in his case it was with a man. There are very few asexual people in the world , so it seems to me that there is still a lot of fear driven guilt and nonsense associated with sexuality. As he said himself, there are so many bigger things to worry about than how you get off and who its with. Sexuality is obviously genetically determined, and nothing to do with choice, or being a learned behaviour.

Sunday 18/10/09 Unemployable bum

Had another great time in Madrid. Its a fantastic place, and my few days break ( booked in july) could not have come at a better time, giving as it did, a nice buffer of distaction to my final few days in NES. The economy seems to be even worse in spain, with plenty of foreclosure signs on buildings, and as my friends tell me, an increasing number of newly house husbands picking up the kids from school.

Thursday was my last day at work. It was a great nine and a half years, and I made it to the finishing line, but in all honesty it was Paul and Dan who carried me over said line. Like many others, I feel like I am on a sort of precipice at the moment, and I’m not sure at all what the future holds. I intend to discipline myself, and catch up with some of the things I have put on the long finger. Even on a medical level, I have not gone to the diabetic clinic for years, and I got a scare on Friday when for the first time in over eight years, I could not clearly read the credits to the film ""Love Happens". It was like watching it in dull 2D, when I am now accustomed to perfect 3D clarity. It scared me, and I immediately went for an eye test. I have no glaucoma or anything serious, but am just slightly under optimum vision, which could be an indication of poor blood sugar control (unquestionably).

Doing all these things going from going to morning medical appointments, physiotherapy clinics, wheelchair repair shop, and occupational therapy is a big job in itself. So when I had a real job, I was not going to be taking half days off all the time. So now I have plenty of time on my side I will hopefully catch up on these things.

I also want to do an on-line course in creative writing. Something I can do at my own pace. But this point I don’t think it would be very feasible to do a full time paid course, as at this stage I find it very difficult to even write! But there are lots of things, that I feel the need to write about. This web site is a great resource for me, and I deeply look forward to all the feedback I get from it, but its NOT an autobiography by any means and anything on this site is carefully vetted by myself. I have a very deep phobia of other people doing the talking for me, so while I’ve got the use of my two fingers I am going to keep on pounding them regardless of what others might think , and even if only, for my personal satisfaction .

Apparently the mother of jesus is appearing in Knock today, and even though I have relatives going down, I think it is absolutely scandalous that, people are casually giving up their time and money to stare at a wall, passing by in the process people who could make much better avail of their time and money. The big question for me is why an apparition is so comforting to some people. Surely this world and all of its problems, would be considerably lessened if people just put a bit more attention and focus into this life, rather than feathering their nest in some supposed parallel universe .

I’m just back from swimming, and it sure does feel good to get out of the chair and stretch , now I have time on my side, I must discipline myself to get on the floor and exercise, at least every second day Spending a lot of time on You Tube (thanks again to o2 for finally bringing broadband to these sticks) and I have come across two videos about FA which are very much of the "if life gives you lemons make lemonade" stomach tossing ilk. To me, that is the kind of condescending dismissive claptrap, usually perpetuated by mentally defective cult members.

Am resolved to read more, and not just of the unremmitting abuse genre. Finished off "Broken" by Shy Keenan in spain, usually in the garden of the residence where I stayed for accomodation and pa reasons, while waiting on my friends to come and collect me. Am now on "Child of Tibet" while still trying to finish off "The masks of christ", which I have to admit is tough going ; interesting and eye opening on a lot of levels, but definately tough!

Madrid,Lisbon & Cramps 1/10/09

The days are ticking by nicely, and soon I will be in Madrid. Am not banking on having great weather, but just the change of scenary, and long chats with my friends are so worth the wait. It is going to be an especially welcome trip as today I received two weeks notice. The end had been in sight for a long time, so it did not come as any big shock.

All I could really say was a big thank you for all they did for me over the last years. My co workers Paul and Danny were just exceptional, and the main reason why I could hold down my job for so long. As I got more and more physically decrepid, they would do all in their power to make things smoother for me, whether it was re-arranging the furniture, or picking things up which I was constantly dropping.

Everything they did, they did quietly and without any desire for praise. I am fully aware that this is a very competitive age, and there are lots of healthy people out there looking for work, so I am not going to lose any sleep over it for a while. Even though the thought of glazing bowls in a rehab centre is not particularly appealing. I have got the van now so I do have some choices, andit is not healthy to look too far in the future, as who knows what good things tomorrow has in store.

I am still getting emails from this Fitzpatrick man, who is calling for all the allied troops to be pulled out of Afghanistan and Iraq. To my mind, he should be more concerned with lobbying for change in these countries, which are hotbeds of shariah law, and are terribly oppressive to women, gays and other minorities. The idea that Iran is trying to be nuclear capable is very frightening. But then again this should come as no surprise, as this is the country that still executes gays in football stadiums as part of a public spectacle.

Also why would India be spending huge amount of money trying to be in nuclear power, when a fraction of this money could elevate the suffering of hundreds of millions of its own citizens. The countries of these regions have there priorities all screwed up.

Tomorrow is the Lisbon referendum and I really hope there is a resounding yes . I have already vote yes "again" through my postal vote two weeks ago. I hope there will not be a protest vote like last time, which was the reason which allowed the no vote to win last year.

The government just arrogantly commanded the people to vote yes. As far as I am concerned, if Sinn Fein, Dana, and the Catholic Church are urging the people to vote no, then that is a clear sign to vote yes. Where would we be without Europe? A tiny island on the periphery of Europe I am sure we would end up like Iceland, bankrupt and chaotic. I think there is a lot of scare mongering going on. I have a lot more faith in Europe, than in the two faced, pocket lining, irish fat cats.

I am having terrible leg and torso cramps of late, so if anyone knows any yoga moves or tips, please pass them on. Now with the job gone, I will have to re-prioritise my life. I want to start writing, and I have a few other long overdue projects. I think it is always good to have one eye fixed on the long term, which reminds me that I must plant my tulips and daffodils for next spring!
 

Sunday 6/9/09

I learned that my good friend joe died in naas hospital two months ago. Last time I called in to see him in the nursing home and was told that he had to go into hospital because of a chest infection, I remember hoping he would not come out. For what? To endure years more of an existence involving medical trips, punctuated only by the very occasional social outing or visit.

Thankfully I had started to vist more often during the year, rather than just leaving it at the usual easter and Christmas times.The horrible smell of disinfectant, and the same old people existing on in their own world's made it always an effort for me to go in. Although I could always be gauranteed that when I went in , he would be in the same position in bed,with his big bloated sausage like fingers clutched around his beaker.

So all in all, I certainly don’t feel like sheding a tear. The only thing I do regret is not having any video or audio of him. He exists now only in my memory. A couple of times I did think of sneaking in a video camera, but I realise that this would have been very unfair to capture him in his physical worst, minus teeth.

Just back from having my seafood in Avon Ri in Blessington Holiday Village. The weather is atrocious and I have holidays coming up, but nowhere to go . But that I am glad that I have nowhere lined up, it just is very hard and expensive to arrange a holiday when you need assistance . So I am looking forward just having some lazy lie-ins and catch up on some reading.

One of the good books that I am reading at the moment is called " THE MASK OF CHRIST " which really shows how the bible really is a work of fiction , and not even good fiction at that . It does not stand up to literary investigations, given that the authors of the selected gospels repeatedly contradict each other . For me it just goes to show how deep the level of brainwashing and programming went. It seems that it never crossed people's mind's, to question the validity of the bible a few decades ago.

We all fell for it hook, line and sinker. I feel personally at this stage that you cant just sit on the fence with regard to these issues. I know a lot of people who never set foot in church until they plan on getting married, and for me, this is not only hypocritical, but wrong on so many levels. It would personally be galling to me, to just quietly go along with all this charade. Do we really believe the creator of every plant and species and star in in the universe in coming back and forth repeatedly in the guise of a piece of bread???? Does he not get dizzy ? Would’nt it be much better all round, if people put more effort and focus into this life, rather than feathering their nest in a supposed afterlife?

At the moment I’m in a facility in newbridge, and there are more people worthy of admiration here, than any moron that a lot of people still (thankfully a lot of people are waking up) are more than willing to contort themselves before. Saw the craziest sight today in a service station in roscrea. A garda getting a guy to take off his trainners while he (the garda) was having a fag. So much for on duty professionalism! Never seen a garda with a stocking clad suspect, with his hands cupped behind his head, in a haze of cigarette smoke!

Sunday 12/7/09

To my great shame I've neglected this blog page for far too long. Its takes discipline to maintain a blog, but one of the main reasons why i have'nt entered anything on this site is that i have'nt got any positive e-mail in a few weeks, so it all feels a bit pointless. I'm maintaining my book reading routine, its a terrible pity that I never read for pleasure at all up until a few years ago. I am reading a very good book at the moment called The Caged Virgin by Ayaan Hirsi Ali who is an ex muslim liberal party member in the Netherlands. She has been abandoned by her family, and is living her life surrounded by bodygaurds for the great crime of daring to think independently, and essentially de-programming herself from the islamic mindset. I know when I am in Dublin, and especially when I was in Manchester last year,I seem to see more and more veiled women. Instead of just feeling pity for them, I now do feel anger towards them, because it is essentially a form of abuse that they are justifying. It is essentially a visual display of just how downtrodden the female sex is in Islam. But there is never any attention give to the increasing amount of children born with rickets, as a result of their mothers having extreme vitamin D deficiency arising from their lack of exposure to daylight. How insulting it is anyway to think that the merest display of a womans skin is going to the get men all hot and bothered, even if all the men around her are gay and the woman herself is a wrinkled old prune !

The Koran really is just a rehashed tribalised version of the bible, only this time, instead of being written by desert nomads, its written by a vain paedophile. I really would be very much an advocate of strict separation of cults and state. Any ideology that attempts to limit or restrict what you can or cannot do with your own body, or restricts what you can even read, has to go. I really hope that this dangerous cult does not establish a stronghold here, and as christianity starts to fade, that we do not go from the frying pan into the fire, by adopting these fear based ridiculous beliefs.

Now that my 3G Vodafone contract has come to an end, and my last few weeks with them were not great in terms of speed, and waiting ten minutes for an e-mail to download, I started to look around for alternatives. I tried the Meteor shop in Newbridge, but we seem to be just beyond their range. Then I tried 3, but they have no coverage in our area. The annoying thing about this is , that everyone around us has Eircom broadband, but we are just beyond the catchment area. Iam now with O2 and I have to say I am very happy with them. There are some terrible reviews about them on the internet, but in my case for €20 per month it is great value, and sometimes i can even get up to full broadband speeds, and can watch YouTube uninterrupted. I would die without my internet. I know for a fact that there are so many people with disabilities completely isolated from the world, and having the net with a world full of different thoughts and views is brilliant.

Went up to see Bruno, the new film by Sasha Baron Cohen and it was fantastic. It was much better than I thought it would be, and there were a few parts in it that I thought I would fall out of the chair, I was laughing so much.

My flowers are doing extremely well. Really i would be a firm believer in Plant Grow, because between that and the soil, the flowers are really vibrant and colourful. I can fully understand why some people are so obsessed with their plants and flowers. Outside my bedroom theres a wall, so with all the new plants, it has made me feel much less like an inmate in a cell.

Monday 15/6/09

Love this solar powered garden feature. The orb in his lap changes colours. Have seen similar expensive versions, but this one was only €15 in tallaght. Got my orphan/military buzzcut for the last time. Short back and sides are fine, but when you can see your own scalp, enough is enough! After a three week abscence, am back at the gym in naas. It takes away some of the guilty feelings now that swimming is finished.

Got a couple of interesting emails recently. One was from Judith Kelly, thanking me for reading her book "Rock me Gently", and secondly from professor elizabeth grubgeld of oaklahoma state uni, doing research on autobiographies and blogs of living disabled people.I told her that this site for me is a simple communication tool. I love getting interesting emails from around the world. This is certainly not an autobiographical attempt. I don't feel the need to exspose myself, warts and all for free. So, what is here, is that which I don't mind other people reading.

Saturday 6/6/09: Back to dreary weather !$$

I think we were totally spoiled this week by the fabulous t-shirt weather. I have spent an awful lot of money and time in the last 10 days visiting various garden centres and buying lots of flowers and bulbs. Especially on a good day its great to see a garden full of colour. There is something special about spending only €10 and getting a living breathing thing that is very appealing. I think though, that I was the only person in Woddies today buying more flowers. Hopefully the good weather is going to return soon.

This is one of the reason I love the Spanish lifestyle so much. They seem to be so over-used to the sun, and in a lot of cases don't even appreciate it, because they turn their houses into caves blocking out all the natural light. For me, its great to be in Spain, even on a practical level, tee-shirt, shorts and shoes and your dressed for the day. Whereas in this climate you have to spend ages in the morning layering. I came back from Dublin early, as there really is only so much window shopping you can do . I can totally understand how some people get themselves into terrible credit card debt. On a day like today, there is nothing else to do, only to window shop and spend money on things that you don't really need.

I was going to buy a Kodak camera, which I thought was great value for €99, but on closer inspection today, it does'nt have image stabilization , which would be an essential component for me. I love my gadgets!

I am a big fan of Susan Boyle. I watched her audition on YouTube countless times. I know that the papers said that she was pouting because she was only a runner-up, but honestly she's going to make millions and has far out grown a small talent competition. The ugly photos the papers printed were nothing but her normal expression, so I would'nt read too much into them. Think I am going to France in September. I found a great company through the internet, which supplies everything disability related but without charging an exorbitant price. The great difficulty for me at the moment is finding somewhere to go for a break that does'nt cost the earth. When you need help the associated costs tend to escalate, and I end up not being able to justify spending so much money for a few days break. I dont really want to go with a family member, as to be honest we all need a break from each other. I know a lot of people in my situation have a mononous, tedious existence, which I am in no hurry to embrace. I often think to myself how crazy life is , that years ago i was physically more independent and stronger, but I just did'nt have the money to travel, now I have the money but I am much more physically beat
 

Sunday 29/3/09: Goji supplement warning!

Having been enticed by glowing testimonials of goji berries, which claim that it does so many beneficial things for you, bar making a cup of tea and giving a foot rub, it seems my body has had a bad reaction to it. I have a nasty rash on my back, and have several ugly scars as a result of nearly scratching my skin off! Last night was pretty unbearable, tossing and turning, feeling hot and cursing my inflexibility at not being able to reach my shoulder blades. Now I think I have found the culprit At first I thought my blood sugars had gone crazy, as I've been eating a lot of junk food lately, and it brought back memories of when I thought I had scabies prior to diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. The discomfort is too much, my torso and upper back just demanding to be mercilessly scratched. Anti oxident is a magnetic buzz phrase for me, but I think its doing me more harm than good. It has distinctive itchy patches, mine being the left bicep, right nipple and stomach area. It also affects your homeostasis at night, going from kicking off the sheets and clothes to shivering cold. I am now trying to flush this shit out of my system by drinking lots of water. So I will be more cautious before I feel the need to fritter away money on some poorly researched health fad. Now I am taking anti histamine tablets, and trying hard to combat the urge to act like a homeless tramp scratching myself into oblivion. I could'nt go swimming on sunday, as celbridge has a serious amount of chlorine in the pool, and the kids parents would'nt appreciate me getting into the same water as their darlings, given my new leper look.