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where spirits come to die!

What a gut wrenching year , this has been ! Long coming , but poorly planned or prepared for.

In my defence, how do you prepare for the physical decline and death of your main care giver, requiring a forced surrender to the ”care” industry.

I have been like a women with at least five Menopause’s going on at the same time. For someone who had a mental block erected, the Dam opened with an unstoppable force and frenzied tsunami powered avalanche of sadness.

With the closed stupidity of someone without a working brain , I refused to even consider the possibility of my mother leaving this planet before me. I don’t think I will ever be going door to door , But I strongly felt her presence, In the first Two week especially.

Like any person with a physical disability, whose primary care giver has died , I am now relegated to my by now second nursing home. Please read the article by the ombudsmen for information about this issue in titled ‘Wasted Lives’, which illustrate this growing problem.

I was first placed in maynooth large nursing home,which proved to be a dismal shocking place, where abuse and neglect were giving daily and no atonement has ever been forthcoming.

A lot of carers in Ireland are now in their 70’s , with 400 or so in their 80’s. These figures where given by the cares association of Ireland and this is the situation in which I now find myself. This is just going to keep on happening.

Are we all meant to be treated like one big degenerate Lump? It is a prison of the body and spirit, the horrible reality is that your only going to leave in a box !

My constant protector and defender against the ugliness of this world is now gone , living me to battle on as a nearly 49 years old unprepared orphan.

I seem to be part of a growing population of Irish people with physical disabilities, who’s main care givers have died. This surely cannot be the only alternative, to be suddenly and irreversibly placed permanently in a climate of cloudy dementia ridden and end of life outlooks.

I’m still wading through these rough, uncharted waters. I’m a little bit lost in Ignorance , so if anyone can help me , please do !

The days and nights all blur into an excruciating sameness. I never thought long term and
I’m sure not going to start now.

It’s been over 6 months now and the most horrible thing to come to terms with, is the piercing sense of finality.

There is no reverse switch and unsaid words will sadly remain unsaid for ever. I think this is the hardest part of bereavement, that call of everlasting separation.

Acquisitions and possessions are truly worthless. That’s hit home immediately after the loss , then the world grinds on and old habits as soon restored.

I honestly think that religions may only exist for the Express reasons of somehow guaranteeing a life after death and an opportunity to turned the clock back. On old mistakes or lost opportunities.

As time goes on , the most difficult jagged thorn to embrace is the realisation that what is done cannot be undone and the glaring starkness of the end of life abyss has to be acknowledged.


My Mother give me every strained cell,
Every fading , determined , resolute fibre. That she had ,
It is all behind you now
You have won the champion race.

Crushed by endless tears,
Weighed down by guilt and so many Un availed of opportunities,
You loved me till the end
And I have always and still know that totally now.

In my darkest moments I vented angrily ”why did you abandon me”
Leaving me to all of this,
But As my neighbour told me
You will be working overtime for me now.
And doors will open for me ,
In ways which challenge logic and defies imagination.

I felt angrily jealous up my siblings
Who could talk to you in the last few weeks.
Thankfully I do not have the picture of the final exasperated you, who categorically refuse to give up.

What happens now?
Fights over material possessions and land ?
But I hear your strong voice urging us all
” Not to waste time Fighting”

Paralysis repeated hospital visits dependency on others ,
Absolutely not for you !
You were always the care giver
I am now thrilled that you never saw the cruel realities of this existence.
Why should this be an acceptable ending for any one ?
I have gone through this for long enough , to rejoice in your dignity preserved departure.

My Progressive disability led me to many
angry moments which unfortunately you shared in, Leaving me with so many guilty memories and flagellating thoughts.
But I am on the road to peace
Especially as I look around here ,at the shreds of humanity in this home,
Sadly Glad that you are no longer here.

Where Are you now ?
Is it all just a fairy tale or reckless stories ,
But I feel your directive presence.
What an Impact your Life Made
Gone from All of this
But certainly not dead.
Now you are a deservedly sung hero !

links used for this page ‘wasted lives report ‘ by the ombudsman https://www.ombudsman.ie/publications/reports/wasted-lives/

Carers Association of Ireland

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